The Chronicles Of Jack T Herbert (Realistic Version)
by DoctorJack42
Summary: Basically, more swearing.
1. Chapter 1

Jack felt drowsy. He must have fallen asleep. His muscles ached and felt unusual... And his head hurt. He raised his hand to rub his forehead, and stopped. He opened his eyes and beheld a strange sight. Hooves!

"What the fuck is this?"

He tried to stand up, and failed awkwardly.

"I must be a _pony_ now... Hmm."

He rolled over and stood up on all fours.

"Ah, that's better. Now, who should I go to first? Oh, I know! Applejack!"

He looked around for somepony to ask directions to Sweet Apple Acres, when suddenly he was stopped. A tall, tan pony stood over him, a few inches taller than he was. Jack hesitated.

"Hello. I'm Time Turner. You've got a peculiar trace of Time Vortex on you, mind if I take a look?"

To be honest, Jack was relieved.

"I'm Jack."

Time Turner frowned.

"Odd name for a pony... You're not from around here, are you? You're British. Ponies aren't British."

Time Turner inspected Jack closely, and Jack became irritated.

"Well, fuck you, too!"

Time Turner smiled, and said nothing. Jack suddenly felt uneasy and decided he wanted to find Applejack, and now.

"Where the hell is Sweet Apple Acres?"

Time Turner suddenly seemed thoughtful and absentmindedly drew a map in the dirt with a hoof.

"Here you are. Just turn the corner here... and then go down this trail... you'll see it there."

Jack thought it looked like a bunch of scribbles, but he decided to just go along with it. This 'Time Turner' pony annoyed him.

"Thanks."

Time Turner ignored him and trotted off, towards a Blue Box. Jack was relieved to be rid of him, and walked towards Sweet Apple Acres. When he got there, he was stopped by a huge red pony, who he recognized as Applejack's brother, Big Macintosh.

"And just where do ya think you're goin'?"

"I'm new in town, and want to meet... your sister."

Big Mac seemed taken aback at this, and moved aside. Once past Big Mac, he paused to look at the vast expanse of Sweet Apple Acres.


	2. Chapter 2

Jack wasn't sure what gave him the sensation, but he felt a sudden need to turn around. There was a pony standing under an apple tree, staring at him. He blinked and it was gone. He shook his head.

"I must be on crack. This is just too weird."

"What's weird, pardner?"

Startled, Jack whipped around and was nose-to-nose with an orange mare.

"Applejack?!"

Applejack looked surprised but nodded. She glanced at his cutie mark and snorted. She looked angry now.

"And just who the hay are you?"

Fiery rejection whipped through Jack. Desperate, he tried to reconcile with the mare, and bowed his head.

"Sorry. I'm Jack. You're so fucking awesome!"

Applejack backed up at this, and looked both frightened and outraged. Jack looked up and became confused.

"I—"

He was cut off as Applejack whirled around and bucked him as hard as she could towards the nearest apple tree. The last sensation he had was that he was flying, and then the darkness washed over him. He wondered vaguely if he actually hit the apple tree. It didn't feel like it, but...

When he awoke, the mare he glimpsed earlier was standing over him. Seeing he wasn't dead, she promptly flew away.

"Hey, where the fuck do you think you're going?!"

But his call was in vain. She was gone. He sat up stiffly and noticed that his only injuries were two hoof-shaped bruises on his side. So he hadn't hit the tree, after all. The mare must have saved him. But why? And why would Applejack treat him so? He grunted, remembering the piercing pain. He looked around and saw he was surrounded by books. It was early morning, so he lay back down on the wooden floor and let the darkness drag him under again.


	3. Chapter 3

Jack felt an unusual tingly sensation. He decided to go back to sleep. But... He couldn't. What in the world was that tingling? He opened his eyes and saw what he saw when he opened them earlier: books. But there was something off... Something snapped into place. He looked down, where the floor _should _be… And saw a purple unicorn, almost a foot below him. He was floating.

"Oh, good, you're conscious. My name is—"

"Twilight Sparkle. Fuck…"

He gawked at her, and she gawked in return. Her attention flickered, and he fell on top of her. He was dazed for a moment, and then she looked at him with intense eyes. His eyes widened and he leaped straight off her, sprinting to the extreme edge of the room. Hurt and rejection flickered in Twilight's eyes, but she composed herself.

"No, no, no, no, OH FUCK NO…"

He repeated over and over until he calmed down.

"Why would you do that to me?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you… Not… Like me?"

The true question lurked in her eyes. Jack saw it, and squished himself further against the wall.

"No. I just… please, not sex…I'm not a goddamned pony even…"

He was panicking now, and Twilight saw that. She instantly became her regular self, all traces of blush gone.

"Not. A. Pony."

She looked extremely confused. Then, suddenly, she lit up.

"Time Turner! He'll know!"

She dashed off, leaving behind a very confused-looking and still-quite-panicky Jack behind.


	4. Chapter 4

Nary had a second later Twilight returned with Time Turner. Time Turner promptly raced over to him and started poking and prodding him. Jack yelped and kicked him away when he hit a particularly sensitive place. But he just trotted back over and started poking him again.

"What the ever loving fuck is he doing?"

"He's just… examining you."

Jack was stunned.

"Why the fuck is he doing that?"

Twilight became serious instantly, and started talking extremely fast.

"It seems you have been transported here, just like that Jappleack mare. But what we don't know is-"

"-why you were sent here. It doesn't seem you were ever a pony before, due to your reactions."

Time turner was talking now, too.

"I think maybe some sort of-"

"-quantum device picked you up and-"

"-dropped you here like a-"

"-sack of potatoes. But what we need to find out is-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU'RE HURTING MY BRAIN!"

They both stared at Jack.

"I'm a fucking human. I just woke up here, and now I'm a goddamned pony."

Time Turner looked at him thoughtfully, and then gasped.

"Human? But that would mean you came from—"

"Earth. Yeah. Can you send me the fuck back there?"

"I don't know…"

"Shit."


	5. Chapter 5

Twilight stared at the both of them in disbelief.

"Human? You mean…"

"_Homo sapiens._ Yes."

"But that's not possible."

"I find it highly likely. I was a time lord and when I came here I was transformed into a pony…"

Jack couldn't take any more of this. He galloped outside, screaming wildly. All of a sudden, the Pegasus mare picked him up. He shrieked at the prospect of flying, but it was too late.

"Fly, you fucking shit!"

He gasped. Of course! He was a Pegasus now. He flapped his wings, and she let go of him.

"Wheeeeeee!"

He thought this was extremely fun.

"Follow me!"

He noticed her voice was silky smooth, and immediately dashed after her. She removed her Wonderbolts gear and he realized she was…

"An alicorn? My life was saved by a fucking alicorn?"

She was dark blue, with a black and white mane and a yellow and black tail. Her underbelly was deep gray and her eyes changed color. Her wings and horn were pure shining silver.

"I'm Lambda. You'd best hurry, you don't want to die. That Time Turner has something worse than being a pony forever in mind."

"A pony…. FOREVER?! Fuck that shit!"

Jack promptly fainted.


	6. Chapter 6

When he awoke, Jack took a moment to remember the events leading up to his most recent blackout, and shuddered. He looked around, and beheld a strange sight. Two black-clad unicorns were locked in a deadly dance in midair, while an earth pony in a top hat and a blonde earth pony watched from a cloud. As he watched, he noticed a blood-red alicorn hovering over them, always watching the longer-maned unicorn. Jack watched on with interest, when suddenly a pure-white Pegasus swooped down. In that instant, the longer-maned unicorn grabbed the pony in the top hat, followed by the red alicorn, and fled. The Pegasus disappeared in a burst of light. When his eyes recovered, Jack saw the other unicorn talking to the remaining pony, and surprisingly, he could hear. What bothered him was that he could see the unicorn's dark red eyes from here.

"Let's go, shall we? Your highness, we've given enough of a show."

What the unicorn meant by that, he had no idea. But he felt… unsettled by it, and turned his head. He heard the earth pony mutter something, and he glanced back.

"Well, hello! Your soul's not on the line, but it's a very peculiar one, indeed!"

Jack scrambled back. He had been nose-to-nose with the bright red alicorn, and it was smiling at him, showing sharp teeth. Lost for words, Jack simply gawked at the red pony. The pony landed and gazed at him with bright orange eyes.

"WHAT THE FUCK?"

"Oh, you're so adorable! Not like Sebas-chan… Much different. You're… hmm."

Jack's thoughts raced as the alicorn seemed to be trying to name it. As he studied the pony, he noticed more details. The one that disturbed him most was that the wings did not relax one inch from their stiff upright position. The alicorn suddenly looked up and saw him watching, and smiled.

"I'm sorry. You're just so cute!"

Jack's eyes widened as he took in this one statement and he rose two feet then and there, debating whether to hightail it or stay here with someone who actually seemed to puzzle him. It must be an OC, he thought. Suddenly the pony looked to the side and sighed.

"I've got to go. See you around, Jack! By the way, I'm Grell!"

And with that, the pony flew off. Jack watched as Grell flew away, long mane flowing behind…

"FUCK NO!"

Jack snapped himself out of it. No, definitely not, he thought.


	7. Chapter 7

Jack blinked. That may have been the most awkward conversation he ever had. But, at least it was over now. However, the pony's last words troubled him.

"_See you around, Jack!"_

He didn't tell it his name. And as for "see you around,"… Well, Jack really hoped not. That alicorn really creeped him out. Jack shook his head in an attempt to forget the pony. When jack looked up, he saw the figure of an alicorn silhouetted against the sun.

"Oh, no… not this fucker again…"

The figure swooped down, and instantly Jack was relieved. It wasn't red. It must be Lambda.

"What were you doing, talking to a reaper? You fucking idiot! You could've been killed! Well, I suppose it was only Grell, but still! YOU SHIT!"

Jack regretted being relieved instantly. Lambda was only a few yards away now; he had to make up his mind quickly. He took a deep breath… and dived. The feeling was unlike anything he had ever experienced. The wind in his hair, the feeling of freedom… it was fantastic. He felt the pressure increase, and decided he wanted to do a sonic rainboom. He flapped his wings and gained speed. The pressure increased until it felt like he was going to be crushed. And then… he couldn't describe it. It was like a joyous release, it felt so good. He looked up and saw a camouflage-colored rainboom.

"Fuck yeah! I underestimated Rainbow Dash. That was great!"

He forgot to stop going down, and crashed headfirst into Time Turner. He dragged Jack into a blue box and set him on the floor.

"Yes, it's bigger on the inside; yes it's a time machine. No time, there are demons on the loose."

"Lambda said something about a…reaper? And… I saw two unicorns fighting in midair. I think I… met the reaper. Grell… hmm."

Jack was having a hard time remembering. Just then he looked up, and Time Turner was staring into his eyes.

"You're in terrible danger now. Let's go."


End file.
